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Your house will not always be a home, and that is okay.

The memories you once savoured will not always override the moments of betrayal you face now. But that is okay. You’ll realise that the mother’s lap you’d so peacefully sleep on at nights, provides you with no comfort anymore. But it is okay. You’ll feel your heart closing as the people you once loved shut the door behind them as they leave you with nothing but empty words to fill the room you now stand in alone…That the dreams and memories of love and companionship, you once wished to instill within your children aren’t the same as the ones you felt mattered when you were younger.

You will understand that the downside of having a heart that feels so much, will be heard in each beat as it leaves behind memories of a loving family you once took pride in cherishing.

And it is then you will come to understand that a house willl not always be your home. 🌹

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Empty canvas.

We give our bodies on silver plates to men with stone hearts, hoping for them to see the gold in our souls.. only for them to devour us piece by piece, and spit out our bones: like left-over lunch from the last time their teeth left scars on our bodies….

What you find is within yourself. Not another being.

Love doesn’t stop once you can’t be with each other. That is not real love. Love that does not encourage you towards your goals and ambitions, a love that leaves you feeling empty with nothing but your bare ribs to hold is not love darling. You deserve a love that isn’t worth dying for …but in fact worth living for. When you fail in life…love should dust your grief away and pick you back up from the ground. It should be your crutch on the days your feet do not feel like walking. When you succeed you see love and understand that the reason you stand before everyone smiling is solely because another’s constant belief and hope in you was stronger than your subconscience telling you to just give up. Now that..that my dear is love. Do not get love confused with loneliness. Real love will hold your hand and fight through the hundred dark days you face just to get to the three good days you may have. Because love, real love is worth the struggle and your mother always told you nothing worth having ever came easy. But know when you must stop fighting. For yourself. But mostly for that child within you who knows…that this is not love. He is not love.

23/10/17.

Life changed. We changed. But one thing that didn’t change was the love. It stayed it didn’t waver. I want you to know I will wait. I will wait for you, just as the moon waits for the sun to bow down and seek shelter below the sea so it can lead us through the darkness.  They way it stays standing silently in the shadows, whilst the stars around it shine and glisten. The moon stands silent. I realise today why that is: the moon is not happy nor sad that it is without the sun. Because the moon wouldn’t exist without the sun. Just as the sun wouldn’t exist without the moon; But the moon knows that meeting the sun is not possible..yet it still waits for the few minutes, seconds even where they are the closest, and are about to give way to each other for night and day to take place. Because only they know the sacrifice they make in order for humanity to survive. They sacrifice themselves so others may love… because they know what it means to love something that isn’t destined for you. I want you to know. I will wait. Whether it is for those few minutes between night and day…or whether I sacrifice my darkness for your light. I will wait for our few seconds.

Part 2 

They will see the twinkle in my eye but you, you will know my story like the back of your hand .

You will pick my book up and embrace it, so that it can feel the warmth of your chest and know that it is home. 

You will not place me back on the shelf, in fact you will take me home with you and read me every night, repeating each word memorising every sentence just so that you are able to understand the chaos that resides within my mind.

To the boy who will notice me. 

There will be days where I will struggle to get out of bed. But there will also be days where all I want to do is explore the ground in which we walk on with you. There will be days where I will struggle to eat. But there will also be days, where I will not be hungry and the only thing filling me is your company .

It is then you will read me like a book . You will memorise my blurb like it’s an ancient scripture made to be worshipped and my body a shrine, only to be entered with the best of wishes.

And it is then that I would like you to know…

That I do not ask for much .

I do not ask for diamonds to be dug from beneath the rich soil. Nor chocolates to be imported from the sweet grounds of Belgium. ( Although chocolate isn’t too bad!)

However what I will ask you for is your time. Time to sit down and read me. Time to understand the ink in which I was wrote with..But most of all to understand me.

To the boy who will notice me. 

Part 1

You will soon come to realise that you will not win an arguement with me .

you will notice that I leave the cap of the toothpaste, and laugh uncontrollably at conversations that will not even seem mildly funny to you.

But you will soon come to realise that I mean no harm.

You will notice that people will see me as confident and chatty, however you will understand that this smile I wear so proudly, like a medal of honour, has been fought for bravely, and it is more than just confidence. It is my identity.

A Mi Pequeña

When you do not see the light in your eyes I will show you the Mirror. When you cannot get out of bed I will be the one holding your hand letting you know it’s safe to put your feet on the ground and walk. When you do not have the energy to walk through life with the same attitude as you did before, I will tell you that I am a step behind you ready to catch you IF you fall. Not that you will. Because by the time I am done with you, you will believe in yourself. Because you, YOU are my muse. You are the one I write for and the reason I write. You held the quill I wrote with when my hands fell shaky, you were the one who cleaned my eyes when the tears because a pool on my lash line. So this. All this I dedicate to you. You are the reason I am able to step out from behind the shadows and show the world my feelings. You let me think that what I do and what I feel can be justified. That the bad days will end and the good days can start. You are why I am able to live to see another day and you my dear will learn to love life again, just the way you taught me to. Just how you believed that there couldn’t  be a rainbow without rain. For you I will be the rain, just so you are able to get your rainbow.

The Man.

To the man I will Marry. I know you will hold me from behind when I need it most and cradle me to sleep in your arms making me feel at home. You will listen to my childish sleeptalks and snoring when I am sleeping in our bed, and consider them as sweet symphonies that will lull you to sleep. You must understand that sometimes, I will want to stay in my pyjamas all day and not make an effort. And other days I will want to spend 2 hours finding a dress for myself that I won’t end up wearing because it makes my hips look too big and settle for a dress that I realise didn’t go with the shade of my lipstick. That is what I am, an organised mess.  You will need to accept my immaturity for naivety and my stubbornness for determination. You will need to see rose gardens in me where others saw thorns. And hold me in your hand protecting me like a thorn protects the rose. I know you will take me for long pizza drives in Cornwall and let me choose the playlist we listen to. And on our way home when I am tired and the sun is about to set giving way to the stars to come out. You must tell me how my eyes resemble the stars and how beautiful they are. That is all.

Love

Love. A simple four letter word but it has the power to turn your world upside down. The type to make you understand why it had never worked out with anyone else before. To see why the love you feel now and the hurt you felt before was not the same. Because now you understand love and you see that it makes your heart feel fulfilled and your soul feel hungry for more. It’s like a drug. A drug you cannot get enough of. Love is not overcompensating for everything to make up for your insecurities. But hugging your stomach and embracing your curves, because the person you love embraces them. Looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting yourself that is what love is. Love is seeing  your reflection whilst your new found Love stands behind you, to catch you incase you fall again and forget your worth. That is what love is.

–for a special button who helped me learn my worth. Thank you for helping me rise when I thought getting up was impossible. Love you now and always. I hope you enjoy the love you receive too and it helps you know your worth.🌹 Because you deserve everything and more my lovely.